| okay so its actually 2007, i'm at work, bored out of my mind, and the thought comes to me that i havent written in this thing in a long time. it's pretty funny how quickly time passes by, 4 years already. so i dont really know why i decided to write in this thing, i mean humpsssssss... you prolly wont read this for another 3 months or so when you get bored and reminisce and shit. but yahhhhh i guess i just needed to get a couple things out. wow, so 2006 was pretty much full of shiiiiiiiit. lol. it had its ups and its downs but ya, full of shiiit. i remember the snc days, it started because of diane's (krystle) debut and our little winter break. DAMN that was like a year ago. anyways, we'd sneak out every night, do the usual denny's, and prolly head off to sylmar. i kinda miss that shit. but yeahh that kinda died with all the drama a big group brings lol. so it was like shifting to different friends all the time after that. whatevssss. okay so i dont really want to talk about this shit. its more MY problems. its about time i got selfish and actually dealt with my problems. soo college. im a fucking senior, and im so lost. this year went by to quickly, and i dont know what im doing with my life. i chose not to apply to a cal state or a uc. i'm a fuck up, yes, i know. but its my decision and yeah. to be honest, i dont really know why i did it. i know i'm capable of getting in, forrrrrreal. i guess i was just scared of the whole rejection thing. i hate that my parents dont believe in me. i hate that they try to run my life and get into my business. its MY life. i wish they could just understand that i need my own space. i guess thats why im always out of the house. i mean, im only home to go to sleep, and sometimes i dont even go home to sleep. im either playing pool or crashing it at someones house. call me a bad son, i dont care. for once i'm just done having to deal with their problems cause to be honest, my list of problems just go on and on. It's funny, i dont think anybody actually knows ALL of my problems. i mean, i tell some people about myself, but i dont think anyone actually knows what im going through completely. its kinda sad and i dont know why i do it. i guess its cuz i have that mentality where, if they dont know somethings wrong, they won't have to worry about me. i know i have to change that, and im trying to , but noone ever said change was easy. damn. now i know what you're going through. so then theres you. yes, you. youre something else. if this was a year ago, i dont think this would happening between us. i actually prolly laugh if i knew this would happen, yet, right now, i wouldnt want it to be anyone else. i'm happy with you, i dont know if i tell you that enough, but i honestly am. forreaaal though, i'm hoping i've made you as even the slightest bit happy as youre making me. i dont know if that made sense, whatevs. but ya. as good as things are between us. i dont know know if you want this as much as i do. you tell me you want this and that youre so happy, why cant i believe it? i see your aways and the songs you listen to, its always about running back and missing something. maybe its just me but i dont know. afkhdgajkfhdgad and in the end, the stem of all our fights, it leads back to him. how do i know you want this just because he's with someone else? like it didnt work out with him and now youre trying with me? i cant keep feeeling like this. then theres the CHANGE. you dont know how badly i want this. how badly i want you. ever since we've made up, i've seen you every day, and its honestly been the best 3 weeks of my life :] why can't this just all go away. why cant he go away. i hate how this all just leads to him. like, if he wasnt in the picture, things would be perfect, you know it. fgjkhfdjg you say he cant be in your life and its letting go completely is something you need to do. i just wanna believe that you want that, or actually mean it. i mean, i know you guys still talk leave messages. just tell me something reaaaaaaaaaaal. all i want is for you to be honest, for me to be able to trust you and for you to be happy. i dont know what im saying, aklfgjkfdgkljadfkagdjklgajdkgjdag fuckkkk this blog. -___- 2007, please be a great year... |
